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Bending Spoons
Tuesday, November 19, 2002 - 07:59 AM
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In the immortal words of Eeyore, "It's my birthday." This is the time every year when I feel like hiding. If my Scorpio sign information is up to snuff, then it's no coincidence that I often take myself out of the center of attention. Most of that sign stuff sounds hokey though, so who knows? My point is however, that when it's my birthday, people seem to feel it's their duty to insert me into some sort of center position. I think most people will back that up. I'm not sure how they feel about it when they are there. Some must like it. I do not. Leave me alone. It should be just another day to everybody but me. My birthdays have always been a day when I wondered why I was alive at all. I also knew that I naturally have a few more years to go, but since I'm getting tick by tick older, it serves to believe so are other people who have less years left. That used to get me down. I think I've grown cold to that after twenty years.
In the mail yesterday I received the DVD which I bought myself for my birthday. It's the best copy of Episode II that I've seen yet, naturally, and possibly the best DVD quality movie. Last night I had nightmares about bad film on shoddy celluloid. Don't ask me why. Just one of those things I suppose. Poor quality is pretty irritating to me when it doesn't have to be that way. Fuzzy video and clickity audio gets under my skin.
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I also had another dream about the girl next door. This was the first one in a while. She was angry at me for not talking to her anymore. I tried to explain to her that I couldn't be her friend without hurting her. I wasn't strong enough to control my jealousy, and I didn't want to come between her and her boyfriend. Even in the dream I wanted to spend time with her still. In real life of course, she still doesn't know. It was just a dream. I'm not sure she even cares, or knows I went away. She has her life, and I have mine. It gets sad like that sometimes. People are a mystery.
Today will be a normal Tuesday I hope. We've been setting out old books for the book sale at the library. I'm scared of it. Those books are way too cheap. If I went in there, I might come out with more than I would want to haul out of the dorm at the end of this year. Let's see if I can control myself. It goes on all this week. Most hardcover books are a dollar, and paperbacks are fifty cents. I've got a C++ project due today, so I'll print it out after work and get it all ready. The stuff we are doing is pretty interesting. We're using inheritance to form classes containing arrays, which are dynamically sizable. Dynamic arrays have a lot of use and can be quite a memory saver for a computer system. My assembly class is canceled all week, so I won't have as long of a Wednesday as usual, so that will be a plus. One day at a time though. Today is still Tuesday.
I'm listening to the R.E.M. Song, The Great Beyond. It reminds me of a close friend today, and that is all I want to feel. I wish I could be with her as much as I'm glad we're far apart right now with time to get to know each other. I can't hide my attraction to her, and once again I just don't even try. Up close and personal right now could lead to some sparks that arn't too much my style. I want meaning more than just the physical, but some days you take what you can get. Thats what troubles me and teases me at the same time. I'll just cycle down through the crushes as I have for the past few months. It mixes my feelings up quite a bit, but here and there my thoughts congeal into something worth thinking or writing about, so that's a plus. You might notice I only write poetry about depressing stuff though. It's mostly girls. I can't resist. I like to write sappy lyrics. I release them to the world no matter what anybody says. I guess that is my choice isn't it? This is my world, and today is my birthday.
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Posted by
Adam
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